So a certain time in my life crosses my mind from time to time. I credit it as perhaps the worst year of my entire life, though to some, they would have no idea. It has been nearly two years since it occurred, but for some reason I still can't shake it. It was suggested that I write about it, and since no one reads this blog anyway, it seemed like the perfect place for it to come out.
Where to even begin?
I was always the kind of girl who could never ever believe that women would allow men to control them, hurt them, abuse them, etc. I thought of them as lowly and weak. I thought for sure that if I was in that situation I would easily remove myself, or better yet never let it happen in the first place.
Vulnerability definitely played a part in the ill-fated beginning of a friendship that would turn into a "relationship". I want you to first think of how you would define a relationship and what you would expect from it. Typical answers (I would assume) would range from: having fun together, mutual trust, respect, romance, etc. Keep those in mind as you enter into a relationship consumed with manipulation, greed, jealousy, and control.
I found the man of my dreams. We met at work and were fast friends. I could tell him anything and he was fun to be around. We flirted relentlessly even though he was my superior. Eventually, we formed into a relationship and were constantly together or talking. We would leave work, secretly meet up where no one would see us together, and then spend all of our free time together. Things were perfect. It was your typical disgustingly cute relationship; not being able to hang up the phone at night, constantly texting, flowers and other romantic surprises-it was what every girl would have wanted.
Soon enough it became necessary for me to transfer stores to make it impossible for either of us to get fired. I don't know if it was the fact that we didn't see each other as much, or what it was, honestly, but things seemed to change. He had never been pro on the sorority front and resented the fact that I was Greek. He clearly had watched too much MTV Sorority Life and had it ingrained in his mind that I was your typical sorostitute. He would call me names, call my friends names, and fight with me every time I went to a meeting or even mentioned being in a sorority. Crazy thing was that I started to believe him. Me- Miss NKU and KD, former president, lover of all things AOT.
I became withdrawn. I stopped attending as many activities, skipped meetings because I was "sick", skipped my LAST Bid Day pictures, and basically cut my last semester of KD short. If I would even talk to another KD, or other Greek friend, he would start an argument and threaten to not talk to me, cancel our evening plans, or break up with me. I vividly remember walking past a group of girls that I knew very well and blatantly ignoring them because he was with me. I completely looked the other way. I looked over at him and he had a smirk on his face. I will NEVER be able to get that moment out of my head, and to this day, I can't talk about that moment (or write about it) without crying.
If I didn't answer a call or text it was automatically assumed that I was cheating. He told me that I couldn't wear dresses because they made me look slutty, and one time he even went as far as to not let me in my bathroom to put on makeup when we went out. He made me feel guilty for doing nothing. He made me feel disgusted with myself. He eventually decided that he didn't like any of my friends and when I would hang out with them, tearful hour long arguments would ensue- it eventually became a hassle and didn't seem worth the fight anymore. Clearly we would assume I would win the fight, but no, he did. I would only answer calls or text friends when he wasn't around, and when he was I would ignore my friends' attempts to contact me.
It is hard to grasp in writing the way I felt inside, or still feel, for that matter. Nothing I could say could fully make you understand what that time was like for me. The emotional abuse was bad- perhaps worse than physical (in my mind- anyone can disagree). Name-calling, manipulation, jealousy- it was all there. I felt like a rag doll- like I had all of the life sucked out of me and that I didn't have an identity anymore.
I am unsure of what happened next...
One day I arrived at class. My group was supposed to present our huge marketing project and I went to the bathroom with one of my classmates, my high school best friend, Liz. All of a sudden I began sobbing- I couldn't control myself and I couldn't compose myself, either. I wound up having to leave and met up with him in the parking garage at NKU. His face was so full of hate- it became clear to me now. He didn't see what he was doing, but he loved every minute of it. Of course he tried to talk his way out of everything, and eventually it worked. He had won yet again.
I went through the remainder of the school year. We shared Christmases together with our families, and he became the one and only person I hung out with. At this point my friends saw what was happening- even tried to tell me- but I was oblivious yet again. He still had me attached to him like a rag doll. He had me right where he wanted me, and he loved every minute of it.
I can't tell you how it ended, but it did. I was going to go see a movie with three of my girl friends. He knew that I was going, and started in on me about who was going to be there, what we were doing, what time it was going to be, when would I be home, were we doing anything else, etc., etc. I couldn't take it- I ended it right there. Cut him out completely. I sobbed all night, but this was a different kind of crying. This crying was releasing all of the CRAP that came along with the past year of my life and coming to grips with the fact that I had completely changed.
It has taken two years to finally be able to come to grips with this. Every time I start thinking about it I cry, and throughout typing this, nothing is different. I typically don't blame others for things that go wrong in my life, but I give FULL BLAME to him for ruining my last semester of college and even I cringe if I see a picture of him.
I felt a lot of guilt for a LONG after this. I felt guilty for abandoning my friends. I felt guilty for allowing myself to think that they were any of the crazy names he would call them. I felt guilty that I lied to so many people. I felt guilty that I turned my back on commitments to make things easier to deal with in regards to him. But the thing I felt most guilty about was always thinking that it could never happen to me and that those who let it happen were weak and submissive. I felt like I was diseased and it took awhile to find a cure (if you have ever heard the "Rehab" song by Rhianna, that was what it felt like). It is truly a credit to family and certain friends that I was able to stand up again and resist any of his futile attempts to get me back.
I was definitely taken on a wrong turn somewhere, but to be honest, the end results could have been much worse. I am thankful to be where I am now. If anyone does read this, I would appreciate your discretion.
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